Saturday, May 16, 2009

The Drumsleet Howff Club and the Holy Grail

Amazing scenes at last night's Moodiecliffe Memorial Lecture at the Tartan Bunnet. This annual event, founded in memory of the artist and raconteur Eric B Moodiecliffe, has since its inception been dogged by controversy and the 2009 Lecture, delivered by MacDuff of Clatteringshaws, promised to be the most contentious to date. MacDuff of Clatteringshaws took as his topic 'Drumsleet Howff Club and the Holy Grail'. Drinking from a tankard of single malt, MacDuff proposed that the Headquarters of the Drumsleet Howff Club has an architectural alignment almost exactly similar to the Temple of the Rock in Jerusalem. Quoting from a series of hitherto undiscovered sources MacDuff was able to prove conclusively that Drumsleet Howff Club is the repository of a secret so significant that it could bring down christian civilisation as we know it. Using an ancient map found on the back of a used betting slip MacDuff also claimed that by solving a series of complex codes hidden in the portraits of Max Houliston in the back room of the Hole In The Wa' one could discover a secret vault at the Howff Club that contained ,among other things, the head of John the Baptist.

"But this" he roared over the bedlam "isn't all". Macduff paused, fell, picked himself up with some difficulty from the floor and continued. "It is my belief and the belief of all others in Clatteringshaws that the Peoples' Prospect, that organisation founded supposedly to regenerate the town of Drumsleet, is in fact the paramilitary wing of the Howff Club and its leader is descended directly from JESUS CHRIST!"

At this point the lecture descended into chaos, with fights breaking out in several corners of the room. "And you" screamed Macduff, jabbing a finger at Theosyphillis Neill, local thistlemilk entrepreneur, "you are a **********ing double agent. You've **********ing sold out for a *******ing fistful of guinness you *********ing ******."

Spokesmen from the Drumsleet Howff Club and the Peoples' Prospect denied Macduff's claims citing, quite correctly, that MacDuff is a dangerous lunatic.

Macduff is 34, and suffering from delusions.


hope said...

Don't let Dan Brown hear about this. He'll just add it to his "Da Vinci Code" book fodder. ;)

Titus said...

I'd heard, via a long-dead serving officer (4th Dan) of the Islesteps Illuminati that they are in fact the true guardians. And speaking of secret sororities, how did you get on with the Ruraltainians?