Thursday, February 28, 2008

Simon Pyrites

People will immediately recognise me as a deeply religious person, though few but the very intimate will know that the source of my spiritual nourishment is the writings of Simon Pyrites. Simon Pyrites was a simple peasant boy who, while herding his pigs on the Lochside Road, stumbled on a cave containing four gold plated amphorae from the planet Venus. On closer examination these amphorae were each found to hold 43 wafer thin sheets of papyrus personally handwritten by GOD. Unfortunately while he was on his way to the Police Station, these sheets mysteriously dissolved but not before Simon had memorised every one of them.

These unique testimonies, handed down through generations of swineherd, form the theological basis for the 'Mission of Simon Pyrites', a worldwide organisation of three people dedicated to spiritual enlightenment. The words of Simon Pyrites represent not just a direct link to GOD but a highly moving and poetical journey of transformation and enlightenment.

These writings are now available to you in a deluxe limited edition for only £99.99. Please make your cheques and postal orders out to H McMillan (offshore account 3335/56732 Main Post Office, Cayman Islands)

“….and the people were much afraid,and went to their neighbours doors, wailing “Who shall gathereth in the corn and arrowroot now that our father is on incapacity benefit?” But Simon said “showeth me the crippled patriarch who built such strong dykes and fathered scores of children in his mighty breeches, so I may do the work of my heavenly Master.” And they showeth Simon to the palette wherein their father lay, swaddled in blankets and drinking deeply in his despair, and Simon sayeth, brandishing the crutches, “Rise now, for I have a place for thee standing straight and tall as a young sapling.” And to the amazement of the people, even those of the DHSS hidden among the olive trees, Simon and he walketh without aid to the local Inn…”

From Simon Pyrites' 4th Abjuration to the Molluscs Chapter 14 Verses 6-17

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