Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Keep off the Moors



Much terrified speculation here about the provenance of huge footprints spotted in the recent snowfall in fields near the village. This, allied to a disembodied groaning sound at night and the disappearance of two popular local yorkshire terriers, has led to rumours that a supernatural beast is stalking the area. People have adopted extreme precautionary measures, roping schoolchildren together and only travelling by those sheep tracks well lit at night. Also local yeomen armed with garlic bread and staves patrol the woods till dawn.

I can now reveal to the anxious population that the phantom is, however, none other than one-legged thistlemilk entrepreneur Theosyphilis Neill, brought back to life in an unnatural ceremony by his lodger Terry. Popularly supposed to be slow and cumbersome, the one legged Theosyphillis can actually cover huge amounts of ground very quickly using an experimental prosthetic salvaged from ex-territorial army cyborg killing machine MacDuff of Clatteringshaws. Sensing that a wallet is about to be opened Theosyphillis can lope across vast amounts of territory and materialise at the scene within seconds, the sentence "do you think you could just lend me a fiver till Monday?" or "it's my big cheque a week on Saturday..." or "just a pint then, I've hopped all this way" already half formed on his peculiar countenance.

20 comments:

Stooshie said...

Are you sure it's not just a puma?

hope said...

Does T. also swim in Loch Ness? ;)

the broken down barman said...

i hear he is going on a karaoke tour of scotland. anywhere his bus pass can take him.
the scrounging gypsy bastard grapevine has informed him of rich pickings to be had in the golden crutch inn in maybole and the east renfrew labour club have accepted his application to search behind the puggies for lost pound coins, or "my precious" as he calls them.
good luck 'syphilus

the broken down barman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rachel Fox said...

Garlic bread made me laugh.
It worked for Peter Kay too...
x

the broken down barman said...

no offense meant toward gypsies or anyone of Romany descent, by the way!!! it would be like comparing a diamond to a freshly polished turd.
no offense to turds either

the broken down barman said...

polished or otherwise

the broken down barman said...

do you think sometimes i go on a bit too long??

the broken down barman said...

i mean i dont want to bore you or anything........

the broken down barman said...

its just that sometimes i think i seem to drag everything out....

the broken down barman said...

just maybe one sentence too much some times??

the broken down barman said...

what do you think??

the broken down barman said...

anyway, i liked your rant shug. i know a couple of soap dodgers who can hear the leather creak on a wallet at over three hundred paces.
a couple of free ipa's and the hearing begins to soften, but the first few are always well scrounged.
i just understand the lack of any self respect.

Sorlil said...

Yes, the garlic bread made me laugh also :)

shug said...

You know it's too fat for a puma, Stu.

T has been spotted on Loch Ness, Hope.

Don't LITERALLY break down, Broken Down. I see you know Theo.

I'm off a generation that thought of Garlic Bread (as well as Mateus Rose etc) as one of the key motifs of Bohemia.

the broken down barman said...

shug, i know a few theo's. think every pub ive worked in has some sort of money hoovering faction fighting its lonely corner. the lies and deceit used in these highly covert operations can be extraordinary to watch, glimpses rare for the victims, but all too obvious to the ever present barman.

Stooshie said...

Okay, maybe not a puma. More like an overfed caracal with a limp.

Stooshie said...

Comment deleted

This post has been removed by the author.

9:36 AM

Why?

shug said...

There's no point deleting your own comment and then asking why. Is there some internal psychiatric dialogue here?

Stooshie said...

Controversy. My last comment was regarding the comment deleted at 9.36am, 4th one down. Have the censorious beagles of bureaucracy finally reached what we thought to be the last & final outpost of free speech? Gasp.