MacDuff documents released

Alan Houliston declares the Tea Dance Open


In the face of growing international criticism the Government of Clatteringshaws has published all official documents pertaining to the controversial release "on compassionate grounds" of MacDuff from his sponsored walk along the Southern Upland Way. "These documents" commented an official this morning, "clearly vindicate our position. No pressure was put on us by any outside agencies."

In spite of these assurances concerns still remain. Can it be an accident that MacDuff's release coincided with a major deal signed for the export of goats to the Masonic Club in Dumfries? Doubts have also been cast on the extent of MacDuff's illness, details of which were excluded from the document release on grounds of patient confidentiality. An independent expert has assessed that, with proper care, MacDuff might live for another 140 years, well in excess of predictions made by the Government.

Fears have also been raised that MacDuff might play a significant part in the upcoming Tea Dance to mark 3,000 years of whisky drinking in the Prancing Pensioner. "It would be like a slap in the face" said one commentator.